My feelings through the process

I wanted to share a little here about my feelings as we struggled with our infertility and adoption. I have found that many people don’t really know how to talk to someone struggling with infertility. They think that they are helpful by saying such things as:“Oh, once you adopt…you’ll get pregnant” or my favorite “if you quit thinking about it and worrying, you’ll get pregnant”. Then others just have no idea what to say, so they say nothing at all. The worst for me was how people look at you when they find out you have been married for many years and have no kids. I can remember many times people asking why I didn’t have kids and did I just not want any. They had no idea that I had lost 2 babies and desperately wanted a child. I know that no one meant to hurt my feelings or be unkind, but infertility stings and those of us going through it feel helpless and alone!

After 6 years of marriage and lots of prayers we had the opportunity to adopt our first baby! Our process with Kayla was so simple! We found out about her Oct. 26th of 2001, and Kayla was in our arms on December 10, 2001! Her birth mother was out of touch for just 3 or 4 days, other than that Kayla’s adoption went very smoothly! I even had the privilege of being in the delivery room and saw her first little breath! The parental rights were terminated quickly and her adoption was finalized on May 31, 2002! We celebrate that date each year as her “Gotcha Day” the day she legally became Kayla Elizabeth Kelley!

When Kayla was just months old, I knew that I had a strong desire for another child. Sean and I prayed and both of us couldn’t shake the feeling that God had another child for us! Of course we knew that our infertility was going to make it difficult to conceive and at this time adoption agencies were so expensive that we knew we couldn’t take that route. We decided to look into some inexpensive fertility treatments and in March of 2007 I was pregnant! I miscarried VERY early. It still was hard. Every where I turned family or friends were having babies. And though I could not be happier for each of them, my heart ached to hold one of my own. I truly love each one of my friends babies and my nieces and nephews! I enjoy holding them and playing with them and babysitting them!!! I found comfort in Kayla, but the feelings of emptiness continued to grow!

Infertility also takes a toll on marriages. Sean and I have met couples going through similar situations and some of them ended in divorce. We have had our trials, as all marriages do! I am so thankful that each of us made a covenant before God that nothing would separate us! We have been tested and it has been tough, but our God is stronger than anything and doesn’t give us anything we can not handle!

So for 5 years we prayed, searched, cried, laughed and struggled… I so wanted to have a baby. I wanted to see what a Walker (my maiden name) and a Kelley would look like. I wanted to feel my baby growing. I wanted…I wanted…I wanted… Then I realized how many times I said I wanted! Not only did I struggle with the I wants, but I also struggled with the why’s. Why not us? Why has God allowed us to go through this? He knows how much I love children. What is wrong with me. What have I done wrong to deserve this. Again it was all about ME! Was Kayla any less mine? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Could I love her any more if I gave birth to her? ABSOLUTEL NOT! Am I any less her mother? ABSOLUTELY NOT!!

I can’t really say that there was one magic moment that brought me to a peace, because I had to go through a process of acceptance. For me it took 5 years, but I am grateful for the lessons I was taught. So in the summer of 2007, Sean and I again tried fertility treatments. Month after month passed and my body was not cooperating. We were a little disappointed, but not devastated! We also started looking into adoption agencies again. Through a google search on Christian Adoptions (which I had done numerous times before), a new agency came up. To my surprise this one was located in Canton, Georgia! What did we have to loose? Right? So, Sean and I met with Amy and Erin in late November of 2007. The peace we had leaving their office was astonishing!!! Words can not describe the excitement that we both had! We spent another month praying and in January we began and completed our home study. We also found out in January that we would be able to proceed with the fertility treatment. So in mid January we had an IUI done and would find out if it took on Feb. 20th. We put a hold on the adoption process for 6 weeks to wait on our results. With the consulting agency (Christian adoption consultants) you work with multiple agencies. There was one agency we did not call to place a hold on and to our surprise they contacted us on Feb. 15th about a baby to be born in Arizona. I quickly called my doctor to see if we could find out if I was pregnant and they said not this late in the day. So we had to decide what to do, the agency needed an answer quickly because the baby was due on Feb. 22nd. Just minutes later, the nurse called me and said if you can make it up to the office within 30 minutes, we can get you in to the hospital for a blood test! We were going to be able to find out if the IUI worked after all! It’s hard for me to describe my feelings as I drove to the hospital. I remember telling my sister that I think its negative because I have this strong connection with this baby in Arizona. WHAT was I saying???? I longed to have a baby in my stomach, but now I was at peace with it not working. It was bittersweet for me because I also new this was our last chance of trying to have a baby. When the nurse came to give me the results I was fine. They were negative. But instead of 9 months, we were possibly going to have a baby in 1 week!!!

And one week later on Feb. 22nd at 2:13am, Kenna Grace was born! (you can look back at our posts in Feb. to see the process of getting Kenna)

What a blessing children are! I sit back and look at how Kayla has grown these 6 ½ years. She is such a young lady! To see her heart molding and becoming a child of God is so awesome! The other day she was figuring out that not only are Sean and I her parents, but we are also brothers and sisters in Christ! She came up with this on her own! Her thought process went something like this… mommy, since God is our Father that means you’re my big sister, right?! WOW! I love the simplicity of children! I am convinced that I am learning more from my 6 year old about my own relationship with Christ than I ever imagined!

And then I hold sweet Kenna in my arms. What will her heart be like? When will she accept Jesus as her personal Lord and Savior. We have truly been blessed by the most BEAUTIFUL girls ever!

If God had given me what I wanted…. Kayla and Kenna would not be a part of the Kelley family. None of us can imagine life without either one of them! God knows what we need, He alone sees the BIG picture. All He wants is for us to TRUST HIM. Even when we don’t understand why!

Thank you for reading this long note! When you think of us, please continue to pray for Kenna’s adoption to be finalized quickly. She has a chance in our home to meet Jesus, to be in a home with a mom, dad and big sister who love her so much, to grow up with wonderful grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends!

We honestly love each one of you and thank you so much for all that you have done for us!

Love,
Katrina